Have you ever wanted something, or someone so badly that it created an actual pain in your stomach or chest? Of course… we all have. We’ll call it “yearning” or “to yearn”. And yearning brings about sadness and often pain, as unmet needs often do. Loss of someone or something we had or wished we had can bring about yearning.
Yearning is the strong, conscious feeling and awareness we have for an unmet need. We say “conscious” because the moment the desirous/wanting feeling occurs, it pops into the conscious mind. Unconscious desires can still be present, but they aren’t considered yearning until they make that transition into the conscious mind.
There is an exception however: yearning can occur in dreams since dreams are more often about feelings rather than conscious thought. We’ve all experienced a dream where we wake feeling the sadness of yearning… often without remembering the details.
Synonyms:
Some synonyms are for the pain associated with yearning are: ache, pine, hunger, itch, languish, longing, crave, covet.
We usually feel yearning as the need to be with someone, the need to be somewhere, the need to have something, etc. It’s the very strong need for something we feel we must have and currently do not have.Yearning often speaks of a desperation and is usually accompanied by sadness and real physical pain. Many of us feel this physical pain as a sharp 1-time “pang” in the chest. stomach. or abdomen. Yearning is an unmet need, and unmet needs often show as pain, both emotionally (sadness), and as actual physical pain (aching or pangs). We yearn for what we feel we need, whether healthy or not, whether logical or not, whether achievable or not. We can yearn for people, lost pets, places to visit, states of being, tangible items, or basic physical needs such as food or water. The yearning is the need expressing itself in the consciousness … but in a demonstrable way. It’s a level beyond “want” or “avoid”. Yearning can get to be so strong that it manifests as a very real physical pain in the body … hence the words ache, or hunger.
Yearning to be free!
11-year-old Melissa yearned to be able to fly so she could take to the air and leave her abusive father behind. She would have wonderful and fulfilling night-time dreams of soaring through the clouds to visit far-off magical (and safe) lands. In these dreams, Melissa yearned to be free. She was free. She often awoke and immediately began to cry and grieve both for the realization of her situation and for the sadness the yearning brought.
When we yearn, we can easily transition to attempting to get the unmet need met. Yearning it can drive us to do all kinds of things in our lives… some healthy, some destructive. We can get into debt making expensive purchase, travel distances to see someone or some place, steal, or hurt others.
Many times however, we’re at a loss as to how to get this most potent need met. Wanting to be with a deceased parent or child is a need that can never be met (in a physical way). Being free from captivity or a social or cultural situation can seem impossible to achieve. Needing to eat when there just isn’t any food available can trigger a horrendous fear.
The goal here isn’t to present solutions to unmet yearning needs. We all must figure out what it is we yearn for and come up with our own solutions … or learn to live with and manage the unmet need. For many crying or grieving helps, for many talking or venting to a trusted friend, relative, or professional helps, for many writing or hitting a punching bag helps. These are all ways to help us “get it out” so that we can to alleviate and/or resolve the unmet need driving the yearning.
I had a friend who lost a cherished pair of grandparents. She wrote a wonderful love letter to them telling how much she loved and missed them, and how much their passing affected her life. She sealed it in an envelope, took it to their grave, and lit it on fire. She then sat and cried deeply. After a few months, the ache in her stomach subsided, although she’ll always miss them.
