I need to give a gift.
They needs to receive my gift.
Or do they…?
You might wonder why I’m writing about such a “mundane” subject as gift giving. If we go back to our original assumption that all things come from getting some need met, then the giving of a gift1 certainly falls into that bucket. I know it sounds trite… “everything” is a big bucket. However it allows me to pick and choose the things in our lives that I feel are important. Bear with me while I talk about some concepts that you may not have considered.
So what’s the need being met? When we give a gift, we meet some or all of the following needs:
- feeling good about being generous… the “giving” feeling,
- seeing the reaction on the receiver’s face (and body language),
- feeling appreciated (some of us, to some degree),
- meeting an obligation (the retirement watch “gift”),
- and more…
Gift Giving — deep dive…
Let’s look at what our expectations are… what do we need when we give a gift? But hold on! “What do we need?” Aren’t we giving the gift to someone else? So why do we expect to get something in return?
How can we give a gift with one hand and have the other outstretched?
BUT WE DO EXPECT SOMETHING IN RETURN! As humans, almost none of us can give a gift without expecting something. At the very least we expect a smile. We might also expect a “Thank you”. In some cultures we expect a gift in kind. As a matter of fact, in some Asian cultures, if we do not reciprocate, we can be seen as being “rude”.
Conditional Gifts
Here’s my opinion: I consider all of the above “CONDITIONAL GIFTS”. “Here’s a gift, but I expect something in return.”
“I have a need to receive something in reciprocity, or I will feel sad, rejected, insulted, angry, offended, (pick one).”
WOA! Let’s backup a bit… <truck beeping sounds>
So what’s the Perfect Gift?
The Perfect Gift (or the perfect gift giving) is one where the giver expects NOTHING in return. We expect NOTHING — no return gift, no thank you, not even a smile is looked for by the gift giver. Those gifts are given purely out of love, caring, kindness, etc. And almost all gifts are indeed given out of that foundation. However, again, almost all gifts have a “price tag” attached (pun intended).
Some gift “Price Tags” are:
- Expecting to be thanked;
- Wanting to see a nod of appreciation;
- Needing to see a smile;
- Wondering if there’s a reciprocal gift (other cultures or situations);
- Needing appreciation, etc.
Conditional Gifts
One of my favorite “Conditional Gifts” is the little plastic gift card. “Here’s a gift of money, but you can only spend it at the place of my choosing.” Yes, of course it’s extremely practical and useful, and yes, of course I do use them… especially to those who live elsewhere. But you get the point… the gift comes with conditions.
Assume the recipient took said gift and tossed it on the ground. If we are NOT affected in any way — if we were not triggered into anger or resentment and maintained that neutral feeling before we handed it over, then the gift was a perfect gift.
PSHAW! you say. Yes, we are indeed very human! And like the Maslow model of the perfect human, perfection does not exist. None of us is that perfect person. Maybe Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Buddha or Jesus got close. The rest of us are emotional, needy and quite complex beings. Our feelings get hurt. At the very least, we like (and need) to know the recipient appreciated tour gift to some extent. Oh how we look for that smile [smiley]
How many times have we gone shopping for a gift for a special someone and ended up buying something we ourselves would want to receive?
So what’s the point?
The point is awareness. The point here is to have a sense of mindfulness as we seek a gift for someone we care about. And of course to think deeply about our reasons for gift giving.
One of my favorite gifts is pure cash! How many times have I been told that cash is too “impersonal”? And my answer is “Would the recipient appreciate more?” My standard birthday or wedding gift is a cash gift card… Amex for example… not a plug.
Author’s note: I believe that giving cryptocurrencies (such as Bitcoin), as a gift will become standard in the very near future.
White Elephant gifts (who came up with that?)
One year I went to a holiday “White Elephant” party — that’s where everyone brings a “gift” they don’t want, or doesn’t cost much. A good place to “re-gift” for many of us. I ended receiving a popular coffee chain gift card. When I presented it at my next visit, the barista informed me the card was blank… NO MONEY! Waaaa?!
Here’s the other end of the gift-giving spectrum… someone gives an intentionally hurtful gift. I was so upset that I spent a long time trying to figure out who the so-and-so was who had given it to me (grrrrr!).
But I had to let that go and move on. Eventually I felt sorry for the person who derived pleasure from someone else’s pain… (schadenfreude). I treated myself to an expensive Fru-Fru coffee drink… or two 
1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gift
