Lies, Lies! We ALL do it in one way or another. The differences [between lying and not lying] lie (pun intended) in the consequences of the lie, the recipient of the spoken or written lie, and the intent to which the speaker of the lie aims to mislead (consciously or subconsciously, but with intent), and of course, my favorite, the reason behind the lie.
And by the way why do we care? Because, by earlier definitions, we ARE getting a need met when we lie.
Let’s elaborate before you leave this post shaking your head (SMH).
What exactly is a lie?
From the free dictionary*
- A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
- Something meant to deceive or mistakenly accepted as true: learned his parents had been swindlers and felt his whole childhood had been a lie.
- To present false information with the intention of deceiving.
- To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie.
The key takeaways behind the definition of a lie are:
-
- intent
- false statement
This might seem pedantic, since even trivial and slightly not 100% true statements are lies. And it might seem like I’m being nit-picky, but there’s a reason. There is no judgement here, just the opportunity to shed light on why we do what we do. And since lying is one of the things we all do, let’s look into why a lie comes out, and what are needs at play… even the small and tiny “white lies”.
So exactly what need or needs ARE we getting met when we lie?
Why do we lie? Simply put, we use lies to increase the chance of us getting a given need met. We give verbal support by telling a lie. We justify the need we seek to get met with the lie. The lie becomes secondary and takes a back seat to the immediate need.
Let’s dig deeper:
It’s easier to tell a lie than it is to tell the truth. We sometimes do this when it would be a challenge or difficult to tell the truth. Many of us fall into the ease of bending or “reshaping” the truth, or even changing it completely. This suites our needs for sure. We find it easier to tell someone something we think they want to hear “Wow!, that new hairdo looks so cute on you!”, or to spare them an unpleasant or hurtful feeling which would come as a result of hearing the absolute truth (as we see it)… “No, I didn’t see your wife at the bar [with anyone else] last night”.
By labeling some of these “common or less serious” lies as “white lies” we forgive ourselves and others for telling them. It’s ok to tell a white lie… usually. (So what’s a black lie? What’s a grey lie?)
We all know the popular children’s meme: If you cross your 1st two fingers and hold them behind your back, it’s ok to tell a lie. We’ve even institutionalized lying about lying.
It’s ok to lie…
The justifications are easy to see. The exact need being met… not so easy.
The following are considered “socially acceptable” lies (or untruths if we want to soften the energy of the word “LIE”).
- “Honey, go to bed early because Santa is coming to give you a present tonight.”
- “The dog ate my homework”.
- “I have no money to lend you”.
- “The check’s in the mail”.
- “This vaccine will prevent spreading the disease.”
- Cigarette smoking isn’t bad for you.
- (Claimed by advertisers and professionals from 1789 through as recent as 2006)
A quick word about institutions: because governments and other institutions don’t have needs (see my post Do Governments Have Needs?… coming as of this post), that leaves only living things as having needs. Therefore the lies are told by the PEOPLE in those institutions, not by the institutions themselves.
Note: If you’ve been following along, you know that needs are the ownership AND responsibility of living beings … and for the purposes of this blog, humans. Note: emphasis on the word “RESPONSIBILITY“!
And even more lies …
“You don’t look a day over 25 … honestly!” [a lie told because we think saying this will make the recipient feel better]
“Yes Mom, I’m still a virgin … sheesh!” [a lie to make mom relax and get off our case, or a lie told to cover the truth that we have had sex and don’t want mom to know]
“I didn’t see that stop sign officer!” [a lie told to try to get out of getting ticketed… guilty as charged]
“We have no apartments for rent Mr. & Mrs. Chin.” [the lie told to attempt to filter out “undesirable” tenants]
“No your honor, I wasn’t close enough to make out any features.” [the lie we tell so we don’t have to go to court to testify, put ourselves in danger, receive negative actions from peers or any other number of reasons]
“ummm …. so I donated $5000 worth of furniture to charities last year.” [we tell this lie to the IRS or to our accountant to reduce money we might owe]
“I’m sorry, we found a candidate who is more qualified for the position.” [the lie told to the interviewee after a more favorable candidate has been hired… I heard this one a lot throughout my career as a consultant. Often time it was accompanied by “You’re just too overqualified.”]
Of course almost all of these come with reasons we all know if we think about them. The problem is that the truth can be painful or carry implications we don’t want to deal with. It’s so much easier to not think about the truth of the situation than to actually say it. We make our lives a little easier. Who doesn’t want that?
And then… how do we feel? Do we step back and ask ourselves why we told an untruth?
Some of my favorites…
“We don’t have your retirement funds. The economy is at fault.”
“We have documented proof that Mr. Smith is a Communist sympathizer!”
“Those <Martians> are inferior, and a scourge on the planet. I think we need to eradicate them.”
“No we’re not building nuclear weapons.”
“We know there are weapons of mass destruction hiding there.”
“If you follow the rainbow, you’ll find a pot of gold at the end.”
Note: This reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode titled, The Whole Truth (1961) about a used car. In the story, every car owner had to tell the exact, honest truth … and there were no consequences considered.
This car is a lemon!
Our society has come to expect that if a lie is justifiable (enough), if the end justifies the means, then it’s ok to lie. It’s the reason for the lie that makes it ok to tell the lie. Or in other words, if the <perceived> need is important enough (to someone, not necessarily us), the lie is ok … or forgivable at worst.
I don’t want to undervalue the importance of the justification. We need to tell lies … or more importantly, to not always say the absolute truth. Prudence is the order of the day. Lies do have an important place in our society. My goal is simply to dig into the need being met by the telling of the lie and to gain a clearer understanding of that need. Whether or not the lie was required … well that’s up to each of us and our individual value systems isn’t it?
A quick word about institutions: because governments and other institutions don’t have needs (see my post Do Governments Have Needs?… coming as of this post), that leaves only living things as having needs. Therefore the lies are told by the PEOPLE in those institutions, not by the institutions themselves.
Note: If you’ve been following along, you know that needs are the ownership AND responsibility of living beings … and for the purposes of this blog, humans. Note: emphasis on the word “RESPONSIBILITY“!
Mother Theresa: “I feel fine today”.
*See my post about Institutional Needs.
